I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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