I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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