yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
