dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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