I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
