I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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