I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
