my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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