Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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