Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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