Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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