Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's not a walk of shame if you run
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize