so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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