Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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