I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
