i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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