i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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