DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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