Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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