oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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