Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
