I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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