My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
