We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
