sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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