Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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