The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
