Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
