20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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