Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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