I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize