if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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