You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
