I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
