I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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