A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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