so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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