how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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