Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
