if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
