Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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