If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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