i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
