I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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