my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
