I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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