All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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