just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So vagazzling was a success
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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