Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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