smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
