Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
