I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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