i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
