3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
