I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
