Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
There r osticjed everywhere
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
