i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
