sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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